The details of what happened aren’t important and telling my side of the story to the internet isn’t really fair in my opinion. I know her side would be told different and then the third side of what actually happened would still be out there, too. The only thing you need to know is that we both were clearly harboring some negative feelings about each other for months if not years, and it came out in a very immature way and we both said and did things we can’t take back.
I’ve been obsessing about the fight for weeks; going back and forth between feeling sad and guilty about what I did wrong and what I am to blame for, then to being angry at her for her share of the problems. Until I talked to my sister and she made a point that I know will stick with me for the rest of my life: it’s awfully hard to be mad at someone you’re praying for.
I chewed this over for a few minutes and then just talked to God honestly about the argument (after all He knows better what happened and why we both acted the way we did). Since then I have been praying for my friend, that she learns from her behavior and from the things I said, albeit hurtful, and that she forgives herself and me and we move on with our life instead of harboring these negative feelings toward each other.
But I also prayed for myself. If I had witnessed my niece and her friend get into the same argument, and watched her torture herself for weeks I would be sick with worry and trying to cheer her up. I imagine this is somewhat how God feels about all of us when we are upset. I’m not sugar-coating this and saying He would pat my hand and say “you didn’t do anything wrong; she deserved it” (I have no problem taking my share of the blame), but I do think He would want me to learn from this and grow as a person. He would want me to forgive myself.
This argument has also opened up a beautiful concept to me: not every relationship will last. At first this made me sad, I grow very attached to the people I love and I don’t like to lose them. But the more I accept this the more at peace I feel. This friend and I have very different views on friendship and behaviors and have had various issues since the beginning. But we have so much fun and she has been a dear friend more often than not, I tried to look past all of that. Through talking to God and praying hard about this I realized that yes she was meant to be in my life, I learned a lot from her and have so many wonderful memories, but that doesn’t mean she was meant to be in my life forever, and vice versa for her.
If she were a boyfriend we would have deemed the relationship dysfunctional and broken up, so why strive so hard for a friendship that is toxic, too? Why not shake hands and thank the other for what we’ve given and call it a day? It doesn’t have to turn into a 5th grade-take sides- you’re not invited to my birthday party- fiasco. It can end and we can think fondly of each other and move on with our lives.
“If you, God, kept record of wrongdoings, who would stand a chance? As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit.” Psalm 130:3-4
“Forgive the things you are holding against one another. Forgive, just as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13
These are just a few of the Bible verses that have been on my mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment