Forgiveness

So a couple weeks ago I had an absolutely horrible experience with a friend. I feel as if I’m mourning a break up; I guess in many ways I am and in my opinion breaking up with a friend is harder than any relationship break up I’ve experienced.

The details of what happened aren’t important and telling my side of the story to the internet isn’t really fair in my opinion. I know her side would be told different and then the third side of what actually happened would still be out there, too. The only thing you need to know is that we both were clearly harboring some negative feelings about each other for months if not years, and it came out in a very immature way and we both said and did things we can’t take back.

I’ve been obsessing about the fight for weeks; going back and forth between feeling sad and guilty about what I did wrong and what I am to blame for, then to being angry at her for her share of the problems. Until I talked to my sister and she made a point that I know will stick with me for the rest of my life: it’s awfully hard to be mad at someone you’re praying for.

I chewed this over for a few minutes and then just talked to God honestly about the argument (after all He knows better what happened and why we both acted the way we did). Since then I have been praying for my friend, that she learns from her behavior and from the things I said, albeit hurtful, and that she forgives herself and me and we move on with our life instead of harboring these negative feelings toward each other.

But I also prayed for myself. If I had witnessed my niece and her friend get into the same argument, and watched her torture herself for weeks I would be sick with worry and trying to cheer her up. I imagine this is somewhat how God feels about all of us when we are upset. I’m not sugar-coating this and saying He would pat my hand and say “you didn’t do anything wrong; she deserved it” (I have no problem taking my share of the blame), but I do think He would want me to learn from this and grow as a person. He would want me to forgive myself.

This argument has also opened up a beautiful concept to me: not every relationship will last. At first this made me sad, I grow very attached to the people I love and I don’t like to lose them. But the more I accept this the more at peace I feel. This friend and I have very different views on friendship and behaviors and have had various issues since the beginning. But we have so much fun and she has been a dear friend more often than not, I tried to look past all of that. Through talking to God and praying hard about this I realized that yes she was meant to be in my life, I learned a lot from her and have so many wonderful memories, but that doesn’t mean she was meant to be in my life forever, and vice versa for her.

If she were a boyfriend we would have deemed the relationship dysfunctional and broken up, so why strive so hard for a friendship that is toxic, too? Why not shake hands and thank the other for what we’ve given and call it a day? It doesn’t have to turn into a 5th grade-take sides- you’re not invited to my birthday party- fiasco. It can end and we can think fondly of each other and move on with our lives.

“If you, God, kept record of wrongdoings, who would stand a chance? As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit.” Psalm 130:3-4

“Forgive the things you are holding against one another. Forgive, just as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

These are just a few of the Bible verses that have been on my mind.

Doing Good is Hard

This is the title of Chapter 9 in Rhinestone Jesus: I’m not going to lie-doing good is hard.
And as I read this chapter feelings of guilt and embarrassment washed through me. Kristen talks about how the “good” doesn’t translate to “easy” and how ever since she said Yes to God it has been a struggle of complications to her plans: sicknesses, fear, busy schedules, being homesick, paperwork and let downs
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This made me think today as I was biking (my new favorite form of cardio since battling a knee-injury demanded that I no longer run). My thoughts during my bike rides correspond quite well with my attitude toward Jesus. On the downhill and on the flat stretches of road I feel strong and think “man I can go further than I planned because this is easy.” Then the uphill comes. And as I huff and puff I have to convince myself not to give up and walk the hill instead.
As a Christian I feel strong when it’s easy, but when trouble comes I forget to instantly turn to Him with my burdens. I try to figure out the problems on my own and in some cases I give up, something I’m working on.

As I’m reading this chapter it has sparked in me a new desire to lean on God with all of my feelings: problems, hopes, fears, excuses, joys. He can handle it, even when I can’t. That realization has made me feel light. To know I can place my burden on Him and He will endure it with me is a calming feeling.

“Getting to the good part requires making it through the valley of the hard.” (page 148)

This paragraph is too good not to share, this is what really affected me.

“God wanted me desperate. He wanted me depending on Him, not only for direction, wisdom and protection, but for every breath I took. Because really I am. But there’s something powerful in realizing and acknowledging complete dependence on Him. I was afraid to do anything but call out to Jesus in my weakness. Jesus keeps asking me to have faith for the impossible. And it makes me desperate and I feel like I can’t stand, so I have no choice but to fall on Him. He meets me there, every time.”

Asking myself the uncomfortable (and sometimes politically incorrect) questions so I’m prepared when others do, too. Also a really long title because long titles make me giggle.

When I tell people I am going to Africa on a vision trip, you’d be surprised how often people look at me with bewilderment and say “why?” I can handle that. I’m 25 and a lot of people my age can think about 134 things they would rather do than give up their iPhone and running water for a week to go on a mission trip. The “why” doesn’t bug me, and as I become more confident in my calling the questions don’t bug me, either. I’m learning that everyone has their own opinion, their own calling, and their own curiosity. I would rather they ask me these questions and maybe I can open their mind in some way, than keep it to themselves. Here are some of the questions I had a hard time with at first because I felt like those asking were attacking my dream, or accusing me of something in some way. (Again, those are my own insecurities I had to get over and trust in God that this is what He wants me to do.)

Why Ethiopia? Why Africa? There are children “here” who need help, too!
Yes, there are. Let’s help them, too! Let’s help them all!! I am one person. I personally fell in love with Ethiopia when I visited and would love to help a community in that country. I am not opposed to helping ANYWHERE though. If God’s plan is to send me to the moon to help someone, I will do that for him, too. But right here, right now I feel like He is calling me to Ethiopia.
And also, why NOT Africa? I think too often we as humans value borders and segregation and too easily let ourselves forget this is one world. A 12 year-old Ethiopian boy is no different than a 12-year old American boy. If they’re hungry let’s feed them. If they don’t know the Word, let’s teach them. Even if they don’t want it, let’s love them.

Why Children’s HopeChest?
Children’s HopeChest for me was my first time getting to experience compassion and mission work first-hand. I sponsor a little girl in Ethiopia through Hopechest thanks to the wonderful mission group I traveled with in 2012. I know there are dozens of wonderful companies and groups that want to help change the world in their own way and I commend them all. I am emotionally attached to Children’s Hopechest and had personal connections with people who work for them, hence this trip fell in to place according to His perfect plan.


Why not help those children get adopted?
I do get this a lot. If the conditions are so terrible why not focus on taking those children away from there and putting them somewhere sparkly and safe?
I have to premise my answer with an explanation first: I try to be very politically correct when answering this question because it is a topic very dear to my heart. My nephew is adopted from Bogota Colombia and he is one of the lights of my life. He is the first nephew in my family and he taught me how to truly, selflessly love. I was the youngest child so I never experienced feeling protective of a small child and having them depend on me until he came into our lives. God made him to be a part of our family and there is no doubt about that in my mind. Adoption is a wonderful thing and I am SO proud of my sister and brother-in-law for listening to God’s call to them to adopt.
Okay, that being said, I don’t think adoption is always the answer. I think it is a wonderful answer sometimes, but not 100% of the time.
Children’s HopeChest tries to work with communities to provide education, safety and a future to children in their home countries who either live with their family in poor conditions, or have close relatives who care for them. One of the reasons they do not personally dabble in adoption is because they think it sends a mixed message for their main goal: to protect and provide for these children/communities and teach them to provide better for themselves. If they went in to these communities and built trust but then also helped children get adopted it would almost feel like they were saying “we are going to teach you to thrive, but we don’t have the faith in you to actually succeed so we are also going to get your children adopted.”
One day I would love to work to help an adoption program. But just like my answer for “Why Ethiopia?” specifically right now this is what I am being called to do. I admire and am so thankful for those who are being called to help the adoption process also, if everyone was called to serve God in the same way we couldn’t get everything accomplished so it is a blessing that we are all called to serve in different ways at different times, I think!

Can’t you, like, just send money instead of going over there?
Yes I probably could throw a check at the problem and that would help somehow. Money does, unfortunately, solve lots of problems in our world. But money isn't going to love those kids and teach them the Word. Someone has to be there to see the money be transferred into books and wells and food. Someone should be there to spread their stories and show them that whatever they’re going through, they are not alone. If not you, then who?


These are jsut a few of the many questions I receive and wanted to answer.
If there are any other questions you’ve wanted to ask someone please feel free to ask me! I’m not offended by political incorrectness and am all for possibly changing your perception!